So, my name is Brianna Tozer but feel free to call me Carrie. Yes, like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in The City. No, I really didn’t like that show too much but I watched because I loved Carrie Bradshaw. I loved how fabulous she was, and how she wasn’t afraid to talk about spending her rent on shoes and her sex life.
Well, enough about her and more about me! I’ll save you the nitty gritty details about my early life but I’ll touch on it really quick.
BORN– Seattle December 1988
ADOPTED– when I was 3mo I was placed with my now, parents, and I was officially adopted around 2 or 3 years old. My parents (yes they are Caucasian) were foster parents in the Seattle area for years and have over 100 child go in and out of their home. They adopted 3, the first one was my biological brother, the second was a blonde hair blue eyed girl, and the third and last was me! Plus, my parents had two older children of their own, so all together there were 5 of us!
I lived in Renton and Redmond, Wa until I was 10 years old, then my parents made the best decision ever (sarcasm, but not really) to move to Iowa. My mom’s side of the family lived there. It was one thing to feel out of place as the only black girl in all of my classes at Emily Dickinson Elementary, but then to be the only black person in the entire school, was different but nothing I couldn’t handle! I was a major tomboy and got along well with everyone in school. We moved from the college town of Cedar Falls, IA to small country town of Toledo, IA …. Yes … Toledo, IOWA not OHIO!
Although it was quite an… Hmm, adjustment, looking back I loved it. I quickly found that in order to fit in and make friends, you must play sports and be involved in school. So, that’s what I did. I always played basketball even in Seattle. I played elite club ball, so I started playing in Iowa. I also, learned about volleyball and started playing in 6th grade and was (not to toot my own horn) really good, just like the rest of the girls in my grade so we all got really close and played amazingly well in club through middle school until high school graduation. In high school, I also got involved in speech contest. In 2006 I went all-state in my large group speech, and got straight 1s in my individual speech, coincidentally I performed our future president Barack Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention speech.
I never really felt destine for stardom or anything crazy like that but I knew I didn’t belong in Toledo, IA, and I cringed at the thought of college. However, I did give college a try since I got a volleyball scholarship to a private college, but hated it. So, off to the Air Force I went.
About, 8 months after signing up for the Air Force I finally left for basic training. Of course I made friends while there and no enemies. Because, I’m me,Carrie Bradshaw and everyone loves me. No, really, I’ve always got along with everybody! Basic training was some of the best weeks of my life, extremely challenging, but still amazing.
Well, that all came to a halt after basic training, I met an ASSHOLE, training instructor, some black guy that had mommy issues and hated other black females. So luckily for both of us, my technical training was only 5 weeks long. I made it through that horrible experience, but also made some great friends there, and off I went to Italy.
Yes!! Italy. I got Italy as an airman for my first duty assignment. I remember writing it down on my dreamsheet in basic training, we were all in a classroom, and I was sitting next to this sweet girl (bitch) who’s parents were like officers in the Air Force already, and the girl told me “Don’t write Italy, no one ever gets it!”… To which I replied, “Bitch, I’m Carrie motherfuckin’ Bradshaw!” …Ok, well I said that in my head but aloud I think I said, “haha, sucks to be them!”
Seriously, I’m not normal. Things just come to me and happen for me. So I wasn’t shocked when I got Italy. I was so excited I didn’t even take leave to go home to see my family before I jetted off to Italy from training.
I’ll save all of my emotional, out of body experiences for another post. I lived in Italy for 2 years and got my single white — black — female on, and loved it. I also deployed to the Middle East while I was there. Qatar. I was there for 7 months. Worked hard, laughed hard, had some fun times and then went back to Italy. My Air Force career was nothing to be ashamed of. However, I was only in for 4 years. That was my fault. After my first two amazing years in Italy, I got stuck in Louisiana.
That’s when everything changed.
At first I loved it. I loved it for like the first 2 months. Then things turned horrible. My leadership was non-existent. The structure I had at work in Italy wasn’t there in the states. No one got a long. There were rumors at work. I got my first enemy ever. I didn’t know how to handle, someone not liking me. It ruined my life. I always felt so self-confident. Why me? Why am I getting picked on. I experienced financial difficulty. I got pregnant with someone had I no intentions of building a life with. He wasn’t a bad guy, just not perfect for me.
I met another man.
This one was my best friend. At first. He got me like no one else did. I soon found out he could hurt me like no one else could as well.
My life was falling apart.
However, since I’m me. I never let anyone see that. I continued to go to work, and be flawless on shift. I worked shifts for everyone else when they need someone. I still volunteered in the community and on base. I still worked third shift even though my boyfriend “knew I was going out to see someone and not go to work”. I was trying .
I was trying so hard to hold everything together.
Eventually. It all unraveled. I lost everything because of the man that was my best friend. Our tumultuous relationship caused me to falll. Everything that I worked so hard for, my car, my career, my gorgeous apartment (with high ceilings and crown molding and all black appliances and granite counters) and , I lost. Our fighting. It made me tired. It got physical every time. His jealousy was tiring. Yes, there were red flags in the beginning. I should’ve known. I did know, but I didn’t care. I told him I wouldn’t give up on him. I promised that I wouldn’t be the one person in his life to turn their back on him.
Then I realized. I’m someone’s child. I’m someone’s mother now. I have to get it together and leave.
I left my daughter with my parents for one final attempt to get my life together. I was working, the crazy boyfriend moved out, and life was going great. The financial difficultly was there though. I grew up middle class, I didn’t ever have much debt but the little that I had seemed to take apart my life. Military loan sharks were circling and I was drowning.
Out of desperation I moved back in with my boyfriend and it took less than two weeks for it to go sideways. I committed career suicide because I need out. The only way out I knew was to get kicked out of the Air Force. I did something stupid. I had to, I talked to my leadership before about needing to get stationed some place else, I talked to them about not being happy where I was. I couldn’t tell them that my home life was hell, but they knew. So why didn’t they help? Why did they just let me ruin my career. Oh well, at least I was able to move finally.
I could see the end in sight. I was planning what I was going to do when I got home to my daughter in Arizona. I was applying for jobs.
Then it happened. My second out of body experience. I found out I was pregnant with my second child.
This was not good news but I knew it was happening. I was a statistic. I was an African American single-mother in a domestically violent relationship. It didn’t matter that I was still in the Air Force. It happened to me.
The next three months were like a cloud of bad karma. One thing after another just kept happening. I won’t get into these details either but here’s the run down.
JAIL: I went to jail for a bogus fight because my boyfriend lied to the cops. Even though my pregnant body left a huge all in the wall from him pushing me, I got arrested. Needless to say the charges were dropped but that was one of the last times I saw him. Jail was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. It took me out for the unhealthy relationship and it gave me my confidence back.
AF Separation: the jail incident was the final straw for the Air Force. It was a mutual breakup. I felt the joy I once had to serve my country was gone. I found out that my leadership was telling everyone at work about my personal problems. I had no real supervisor. I never got credit for being a single mother but still working different shifts every week, all the while my life at home was crumbling. I still got my Air Force good conduct medal, then on 11/08/2012 I was officially a civilian again.
I was stuck in Louisiana, for a couple months for child court with my daughter (my oldest child). Her father was jealous but painfully dumb. We both wasted money on lawyers to go to court but ultimately he didn’t get custody and had to start paying child support so in his eyes he “lost”. I finally got to return home to Arizona.
There I was. A 25 year old single mom of one with one on the way. I was living with my mom, I lost my car when I got out of the Air Force due to the stress, I couldn’t work while I was pregnant so my car got Repod for missing one payment. I had no job, no real direction. I applied to probably over 100 places for work. Then my son was born early. He faced some challenges do to being premature but after two weeks in the hospital he was able to come home.
There I was. A 25 year old mother of two, under two. I got a job at a brand new and very upscale medical marijuana dispensary right down the street from my house. I loved working there. However, I’ve always been a prude when it comes to substances (for myself, not everyone else). Since I am adopted and I know addiction is in my DNA, I’ve always stayed away from smoking and alcohol and I don’t even take medicine when I get sick. So, although it was a new and fresh experience I had to stop working there. I am a veteran! I need to find a real job!
A year goes by and I have found nothing that will work. I’ve been to flight attendant hiring events and many interview and Here I am. 26 year old mother of two. I am trying to find the balance between working and not paying too much for daycare. It seems impossible. I can’t get a car without a job, but I can’t get to work without a car. I’m still here, living with my mother. My need for independence is haunting me. All I can think about is getting my own place for my kids and myself and finding a live in nanny. I’ve had some amazing interviews at places. I’ve been hired for a part-time job with Banner Health, but it’s taken 3 months for the hiring process. So, since I am virtually getting paid to be a stay at home mom now I’ve had a lot of time to think. What do you love? I love writing. I love expressing myself verbally. Every time I do something in my head, I’m writing about it. I don’t know what I want to be but I have to start somewhere.
My parents have raised me to be well-rounded (I’m good at everything besides golf) but the Air Force wrecked the idea of a formal education (sorry for all the writing errors, I write how I talk). I love on the job training. If I could be a nurse, minus all the school and just go straight to hands on training I would love it. I’ve also toyed around with the idea of going to law school. I’ve taken classes. I have some college education, but at the turn of the year I decided I need to do something before I go insane. I need to work. I need to be in the public eye again, but I can’t afford daycare. So here I am. I am blogging. Due to the recent events throughout the nation on race, and police, and violence, I feel that I offer a unique insight since I did grow up in unusual circumstances.
I am also……. not normal
I’ve always get compliments on how beautiful I am. I mean. I’m not ugly, but I’m no Halle Berry either. People always ask “what are you?” I love the fact that I can say “I don’t know, I’m adopted”, mystery is sexy. I honestly feel that my presence is beautiful. In stores I get things for free. People see me waiting in line and they rush to serve me before anyone else. I exude self-confidence. I have that, it, factor. Everyone turns to look when I walk in a room. That (in my opinion) has very little to do with my outward appearance. In high school some girls called me the “black beauty queen”, because I carry myself like the world is my stage. I greet everyone with a smile. I acknowledge everyone’s existence. Yes, there are those Instagram models that are gorgeous. But, most of them only get attention for the assets that they bought and are now showing off. Whether it’s fake boobs, fake booties, fake hair, expensive cars, or handbags. All materialistic things. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice things, I love weave too. I love getting dressed up and going out but I don’t do it a lot. I also would never show off what I have. Sexy isn’t about showing everything. Being a lady isn’t about the fact that you have tits and ass. Knowing how to turn a man on isn’t taking your clothes off. Yes, I had to learn this to. I mean I always knew that I possessed this, but it’s so easy to take half naked pics for attention. I don’t do that anymore because I have realized that I don’t need to. I am intelligent and quick witted, that is enough.
That’s what my blog is going to be about. It’s going to be about using your brain to get ahead. It’s about my journey for independence and becoming the mother my kids need. It may be about love, but I’m not really looking for it. My appetite to succeed surpasses my sexual appetite right now, so we might get there but not anytime soon. My. Blog will be about humans. My blog will be about the lifestyle I’m hoping to obtain by writing. My blog will be about raising children. My blog will be about being alone, without being lonely. My blog will be about travel. My blog will be be about how a 26 year old loser with two kids, creates a successful blog and uses that success to start a business.
This post has run entirely too long and I left a lot of my life out (mainly the really sad parts). As we get to know each other you will learn more about me. This was just an introduction. Thanks for reading and feel free to ask any questions you may have!